Ponderings: A week ago, I was a mother; miscarriage, take two.

Her name was Theophana, and she had a fierce heart. I loved watching her entire body shaking due to the power and force of her heart pumping. Those ultrasounds were the greatest gift, and they gave me happy (joyful, relieving, euphoric) tears. She was 7 1/2 weeks old, and already she had her mother's spirit.

The morning I started spotting was the last time I'd see that heartbeat. It was February 25th, and I was in denial... the last time I miscarried, the process began almost two weeks after the baby passed. Surely this time the baby was going to be ok. After all, there she was. Maybe it was cervical bleeding, they said. Bed rest would make it stop on it's own. Then, hours after seeing her alive, she left us (our hearts believe it was a girl), and there was nothing that could be done. So shocking, so sudden.

I never planned on becoming an expert in Miscarriage. In some ways, it was "easier" the second time around - we knew what to expect, the process was faster, we had a team of supportive Christian doctors by our side. And in other ways, more difficult - we knew what to expect, the process was faster, we heard a heartbeat. After the loss, less flowers were sent this time, less cards, less phone calls, less help. I couldn't share. I blocked people out. I literally was hundreds of miles away from loved ones. I felt a weird sense of shame. It's not rational, just comfortable. 

Why does the world not recognize a baby younger than 5 months as a life? What magically occurs at 20 weeks that wasn't there at 19? at 7? This logic isn't logical, and I will never understand it. I saw the heartbeat, I felt her cravings, I experienced HER. It was real, she was real, she IS real.

We are OK. God is good. I believe the Lord led us to adopt a pup and name him Benedict (which means Blessed), and Benny has been an absolute joy and comfort to us during this time. I also know that these circumstances are not a surprise to God; He knows our days and He knows our sufferings. He uses these trials to produce perseverance, which in turn gives us hope. I choose not to give up that hope. I know that when I call on my God, He answers me. 

We chose St. Theophan the recluse as her saint, and we believe his prayers are hers as well. Theophana means "manifestation of God," and that is exactly what she is.

"God abandons no one. For Him all are children. None are stepchildren. And the hard occasions and situations – all is sent for our benefit."

Saint Theophan, pray to God for and with us.

Side note - the title states "a week ago, I was a mother." I do believe that I AM a mother of two babies, and that those muffin-cakes are with Jesus. That is my personal belief.

If you have suffered from a miscarriage, you are not alone. Please know that there are others like you - it occurs more often than you'd think because NOBODY TALKS ABOUT IT. You are not defective, you didn't do anything wrong, often it just occurs randomly. Check out my post about my first miscarriage HERE. Please comment below if you have a story you'd like to share. Our ears are open to you. xoxo

-Dina