Edible Things: Clean Eating Pumpkin Pancakes.

So - This last week, I decided to go all in on the clean-eating trend. I have a book that a dear friend gave me a couple years ago by Tosca Reno entitled, "The Clean-Eating Diet Recharged," and I have picked through it in the past, but never felt like I had the energy to do it full force (and you really can't half-ass this. It's not called "Kinda-Clean-Eating" for a reason). I bought the groupon for the clean-eating e-meals recipes and have been making super yummy and filling meals all week that include (to name a few) chicken parmesan, sage and pear pork chops with collard greens (I wasn't raised eating pork, y'all... This one was a surprise to me. DELISH), and today, I am making a stout beer pot roast with roasted veggies and brown rice. I am excited. AND I feel great. 

This morning, I awoke with a pumpkin pancake craving like no other. If you know me, this is a bit unusual because I don't tend to gravitate toward pancakes. Anywho, I think the craving consisted mainly of the need for pumpkin and dark chocolate. I went online and found a good basic, 4-ingredient clean eating pancake recipe (that also happens to be gluten-free) and tweaked it a bit. Check out Broke and Bougie's original post HERE.

Ingredients:

• 4 egg whites 
• 1 cup Old Fashioned Oats 
• 1 banana
• 2 teaspoons vanilla 
• 1/2 cup pumpkin puree
• 1 teaspoon cinnamon
• 1 pinch of nutmeg
• 1 dash of pumpkin spice 
• 1/2 cup dark chocolate chips 

(bold = my modifications)

Blend all the ingredients, minus the chips. Add the chips after blending. Use a coconut oil cooking spray on a hot skillet and make each pancake using 1/4 of the batter (In case you are math deficient like me, that makes 4 pancakes). Top with some maple syrup. Roger dodger, over and out.

Ive made gluten-free blender muffins before and was surprised at how delicious and perfect they were. I've also made the pumpkin/chocolate version of that muffin and loved it. That being said, I don't know why, but I was super nervous about adding the pumpkin into this recipe with the banana. Don't be dumb like me; it was perfect. Keep in mind, these are not your grandma's fluffy, light pancakes - these puppies are dense, but by golly, they are tasty. I only had one and was G O O D  T O  G O. Also, it paired rather nicely with my cinnamon-almond milk-coconut oil coffee. 

I like. You like? Tell me about your journey with clean eating.

Ponderings: It's Fall, Y'all.

Did you know Fall is finally here?

You didn't? Hmmm... perhaps that's because it's going to be 91 degrees fahrenheit in Houston today with 100% humidity. That's right, folks... 1 0 0 % H U M I D I T Y.  I can't make this ish up. I can't. But I wouldn't, though, if I could... that would be the most ridiculous thing to make up. Like, I could think of 50,001 things I would conjure up before I would make weather that mimics that of Hades.

Also, THIS.

Only I wear yoga shorts because 

it's 91 degrees with 100% humidi-DIE.

ANYWHO. Yes, it's Fall. If you're like me and you need a reminder of which season you are in, then have I got just the thing for you!

I finished crafting this lil lady yesterday after 3 days of detailed work. The colors had to be just right. All the necessary prep work had to be done to ensure the banner would last for many seasons to come. The leaves had to have just the right colors (and a little gold glitter... because GOLD GLITTER). My first lace purchase wasn't quite right, so I had to shell out a pretty penny for this lovely number. Anywho, I love it. If it doesn't sell, it'll have a happy home.

Head on over to my Four Hands Creations Etsy page, show some love, and pick up a banner. I love to do custom orders as well, so don't be shy.

Edible things: Ma'amoul.

Howdy from Houston! 

We recently made the trek back to California for a work trip for Davede, which turned into a quick visit with family and dear friends. My mom asked me if I had any requests for meals while we were out, and besides the classic and nostalgic pasta and meatballs, I asked her to make Ma'amoul, an Arabic cookie made with semolina flour dough, and stuffed with a mixture of dates and nuts. She had sent some in a care package a month prior, and were gone almost as soon as they arrived. I ate Ma'amoul every morning while visiting mom, and have craved it since stepping back onto Texan soil. Last night, mom sent me the recipe and I went right to work in an attempt to recreate the delicious, delectable delicacy. 

This recipe comes from the Najda Arabic Cookbook published in 1968 and was purchased by my Aunt Colleen at the International House on UC Berkeley's campus where she met my Uncle Fuad. After my mother married my father (brother of Fuad), Aunt Colleen gave a copy of this cookbook to our family. It has been well used since. Sadly, we lost our sweet Aunt Colleen a few months ago, but it's wonderful to feel her presence when we enjoy traditions and pass on family recipes.

A family secret my mom shared with me is that she combines the date and nut fillings for her cookies. Also, I purchased a special cookie press that is similar to my mom's from a local mediterranean market for $1.99. I am working on getting it to cure with coconut oil so the cookie doesn't stick to the mold. 

One last note: my batch produced 16 cookies, not 12, and I had about half of the filling left over when I finished off the dough (due to mixing both the date and nut fillings. Mental note: make twice the dough, since 16 cookies won't last long in this household).

Ma'amoul proves to still be my ideal breakfast and coffee cookie, as it is filling, slightly sweet, and a relatively healthy alternative to other cookies. My version didn't turn out quite as delicious as my mother's, but it still serves its purpose quite nicely. My baklava started out relatively disappointing as well, but ended up being one of my proudest productions (Baklava recipe is on it's way).

What do you think of Ma'amoul? What are some of your family delicacies and traditions?

Ponderings: On life and its twisty slides.

I have finally thrown my hands in the air and have given up the notion that life will give me a moment to catch up, a break to breathe, to heal, to process... That was when I realized that this life is not "It's a Small World..." It's more of a Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. 

Actually, no. That ride wasn't scary at all. In fact, it's kind of dumb. Disney should really take that one down. But the name is fitting for my point.

Life is hard. We started this whole whirlwind of a storm 7 months ago by the unexpected death of my father in-law, a man I had never met, and the only man my husband wanted love from but never was able to get it. Shortly after, we lost our baby to miscarriage. Within a few days, my mom went into the hospital for a heart condition. My job has been hanging by a thread for many months now. Most recently, I lost my grandmother and my aunt within a month of each other. These women were so important. They were both light houses to me; they believed in me, loved me, had pieces of who I wanted to become, and they're gone. I don't know how to let them go. 

Yesterday, my husband got his first job offer, and it was a good one. He has worked so incredibly hard, and the offer exceeded his expectations. To see his face light up when he learned of the opportunity... I have never felt more proud of him. The job is in Houston, Texas. That's quite the ways from Sacramento. We know no one there, and we must leave our families behind to pursue this opportunity. There's no question as to what we should do, it's just hard. It will be for the best, but it's saddening. I have built some of the closest friendships here in Sacramento, I have the most incredible community... and my mom. Did I mention my mom? I have to leave her. When we start a family, will she be nearby to know my children? Sure, we will visit and so will she, but how often? It's a different story when kids aren't in the picture, and they aren't yet... but we want them to be soon. Should we wait 3 more years? Or should we trust that God will give us those connections we desire and need in Texas? Has He ever let us go? He has ALWAYS provided for us. He has ALWAYS taken care of us. He is a good Father, and He cares so deeply for His children. This is my God, and He is real, through the pain. 

There are some in my life who feel it is their job to judge others, who are afraid of being weak in the presence of another for fear of judgement, but I am not afraid to be honest about this... I am weak. I do not want to leave my home town and all those that I love dearly. At the same time, I yearn for adventure and feel this opportunity calling our names. It is possible to feel both things at once, and it is OK to be sad over loss, to call it what it is. This new season, while it is a beautiful one full of prosperity and new life, it is also a loss of something big, a dream of my heart. That is real. I don't expect everyone to understand that, and some won't. Whatev. I'm learning that life, with all of its craziness, will bring on occasion those rare friendships with beautiful people who get "it" and you, and they make life so much more worth living. When you find them, cling to them like to a treasure, and never let them go. I know I won't. Wherever I go, I'll take you with me in my heart. I love you all.

Giddyup.

Ponderings: Great and Holy Thursday.

I am an Orthodox Christian. If I had to describe Orthodoxy in one word, the first that comes to mind is "Pascha," or the Orthodox Easter. Pascha is not celebrated on a day only, but rather is a journey through the beautiful trials and struggles of lent that lead to the triumphant celebration that is the resurrection of Christ.

When I was younger and was in the non-denominational stream of Christianity, I was a part of the House of Prayer movement, in which 24-hour-a-day, 7-day-a-week prayer and worship took place. I led worship teams that sang scriptures and then sang spontaneous songs that explored the scriptures. I LOVED THIS. In my opinion, there's no better way to have the word of God pierce your heart than to sing the scriptures and to put them into beautiful poetry. I left my old church and began to seek the church of the disciples (there is so much to tell; I will have to make a separate post for my conversion story). This week is holy week, and though this will be my 4th Paschal season, this is the first time I have sung through the services with the choir. That being said, Great and Holy Thursday was a completely new experience for me. As the reader chanted through 12 gospel stories compiled from the 4 gospels spanning the last teachings of Christ through the crucifixion, the choir sang through many of the verses that stuck out from the readings...

(Troparion of Holy Thursday)
When Thy glorious disciples were enlightened at the washing of their feet before the supper, then the impious Judas was darkened by the disease of avarice, and to the lawless judges he betrayed Thee, the Righteous Judge. Behold, O lover of money, this man because of avarice hanged himself. Flee from the insatiable desire which dared such things against the Master! O Lord who deals righteously with all, glory to Thee.

Because of the raising of Lazarus,
O Lord Who lovest mankind,
The Hebrew children cried "Hosanna" to Thee,
But Judas the Transgressor was unwilling to understand.

At Thy supper, O Christ God,
Thou didst announce to Thy disciples,
"One of you will betray me."
But Judas the Transgressor was unwilling to understand.

At the washing of their feet, O Christ God,
Thou didst command Thy disciples:
"Do as you have seen me do."
But Judas the Transgressor was unwilling to understand.

"Keep watch and pray,
Lest you be tempted,"
Thou didst say to Thy disciples, O our God,
But Judas the Transgressor was unwilling to understand.

What caused you to betray the Savior, O Judas?
Did He expel you from the ranks of the Apostles?
Did He take from you the gift of healing?
Did He send you from the table while taking supper with the others?
Did He wash their feet and pass you by?
How have you forgotten such good things?
Your ingratitude is notorious,
But His boundless long-suffering and great mercy are proclaimed to all.

These words wounded my heart. I think you can posses true love for Christ when you can put yourself in His shoes and try to imagine how it would feel to be the sinless creator of the universe, and be betrayed by one of those closest to you when you had done nothing but love and serve him. I couldn't imagine the pain. AND YET - we have all been Judas at times. We have all been as weak as the strongest disciples when they were asked to stand watch and pray with Christ, only to fall asleep before the first hour was up, leaving him alone in his pain. I am guilty of this. Thankfully Christ rose from the dead and redeemed every single disciple (minus Judas, of course) and restored them to Himself. Thank God he does that for all of us. I have been having too many personal struggles as of late, and have used that as an excuse to not participate in lent as much as I could have. When I stumbled into the service last night after a long day teaching young children in a poverty-stricken area of town, I soaked up every word that was sung and longed for more... I longed for lent, and it had slipped through my fingers. I remembered in that moment that Pascha is experienced, that it is the journey, and I had missed out on the season due to succumbing to my weakness. I could have condemned myself for that, but I would have been missing the point, I think. I was instead grateful that I had made it to church and got to be face-to-face with the suffering servant, Jesus Christ. It was a gift to experience that service through singing it, and it effected my spirit like nothing else has. 

One last thing that stuck out to me from the service were the various hymns to the Theotokos (Mary, the mother of Jesus).

“Where goest Thou, my child? Why dost Thou run so swift a course? Surely there is not another wedding in Cana to which Thou now dost hasten to change water into wine? Shall I come with Thou, my child, or shall I wait for Thee? Give me a word, O Thou who art the Word. Do not pass me by in silence, O Thou who didst keep me pure, for Thou art my Son and my God.

This agony of a mother watching her child die and being helpless to stop it is something I could identify with, though my loss is nothing in comparison (to read about my child loss, click HERE). I tried to put myself in her shoes... A pure woman, who conceived without seed, and who was given the task to raise the Savior of the world, watched her Son be struck down without cause. As I sang through the hymns to the grieving Theotokos, my heart became knitted together with hers a bit more. I am blessed that she is my Matron saint... She is an example of how to respond in the midst of the terrible, unfathomable loss of a child.

If you want to experience Easter in a new way, find a local Orthodox church. We will be at our church from 11:30 pm on Saturday until 3:00 am Sunday (every church has a different schedule), culminating Pascha with a big family meal (hopefully consisting of bacon, steak, cheese, and other delicious, carnivorous foods). There is nothing like Pascha, the culmination of the journey of Christ to the cross, through hell, and being raised from the dead, bringing hope for all people with Him. 

May God richly bless you and your family.

Edible things: flour-less peanut butter chocolate chip mini blender muffins.

That was a mouthful... LITERALLY.

As I was browsing Pinterest this evening, I spotted these delectable sweeties and couldn't resist trying them. Gluten-free? Had to be gross. But waaaaait... Chocolate? Banana? PEANUT BUTTER? I had all those things, and conveniently I also wanted them in my belly RI-NAO. Lucky for me the batter took all of 5 seconds to make in the blender (yes, the blender), and 8 minutes later, they were out of the oven and into my heart belly. 

Oh, yeah... They were FREAKINGAMAZINGCOMAINDUCING-GOOD.  But did you know they also happen to be, "...gluten-free, grain-free, soy-free, dairy-free, oil-free, refined sugar-free, and they clock in at under 100 calories?"

Check out the original recipe HERE.

I am not typically a gluten-free chica, but I have struggled with anxiety and panic for most of my life, and I am curious about how diet effects mental and bodily function. Perhaps I have a gluten allergy, or perhaps it's (God forbid) a dairy intolerance that is triggering anxiety attacks. 

Gluten-free or not, these muffins are damn sexy. Anything that boasts peanut butter and chocolate chips is a champ in my books.

What do you think? Have you tried this recipe? Did it bring you pleasure satisfaction joy?

Ponderings: What to expect... during and after a miscarriage.

I want to start this off by saying that I am not an expert in this area, nor have I had multiple miscarriages - just the one, and it was plenty. 

(NOTE: I have since had a second miscarriage, and you can read about it HERE)

(Please note that some of these comments are quite raw - the post was originally written a few days after my miscarriage, and edited/posted 3 months later)

One thing I noticed as I was going through my miscarriage was the lack of resources that I found on the internet about what it was like during and after the process. Without further ado, here are 6 things to expect during and after a miscarriage.

1. The comments.

People can't help themselves. Here are some of my 'favorites:'

"Just so you know, you are the most fertile during the 6 weeks following a miscarriage. Isn't that great, the way God designed it??? You can try again!"

Yeah. The baby wasn't even out of my body yet. Let's move on in this race to procreate and take over the planet! 
BABIES E V E R Y W H E R E!

"The first pregnancies are the 'practice' pregnancies, that's why so many women have miscarriages when they first start trying."

WTF, MATE. Sorry, little practice baby. Apparently the odds were never in your favor.

"I hated every single pregnant woman and mother I saw for two years after I had my miscarriage. I totally understand if you hate me for being pregnant."

I don't hate you. I'm happy for you. Every woman is different. 

"A miscarriage is one of God's way of teaching us about the sacrifice of His son."

Please close your mouth.

"God just wanted your little baby too much."

I am going to kill you. And that's not biblical. Please stop speaking for Him.

(insert anything spoken in an upbeat, positive tone)

We just lost our first child. Shut the eff up.

And now for the best possible comments.

"I'm sorry for your loss."

"Praying for the three of you."

(Thank you for not already forgetting about our baby. You are my hero.)

"I understand."

"I can't imagine your loss. I love you."

"Can I run to the store for you?"

"Take your time to grieve however you need to."

"I'm here to listen if you need me."

Sometimes we overcomplicate things. If I could tell people one thing, it would be to just be real. How? Don't try to fix the problem. Listen. It's ok to cry with someone (unless they're not that kind of person). Just show them you haven't forgotten them. Remember, keep it simple.

2. The medical community.

I tried very carefully to chose a OBGYN that seemed nurturing, compassionate, and was a mother herself. I even advocated to have her present at our first appointment, though it was not normal for her to be there until at least the second visit. The morning of the appointment, I started spotting. They assured me that nothing was wrong. When we headed into our ultra sound, the doctor came in, introduced herself, and got straight to work. She pointed out the baby on the screen, said "Hmmm..." a couple times, then said very matter-of-factly, "How far along did you say you were? 9 weeks? Looks more like 7 weeks to me, and there's no heartbeat. Looks like you've had a miscarriage. Do you want me to get another doctor for you?" That was it. Apart from touching my knee for 2.5 seconds, there was no compassion. Then, in walked a male doctor (I had requested female only) who proceeded to confirm in a very dry way that we had in fact lost the baby. We remained in the room, sobbing, for a few minutes. Then the doctor returned and said, "Ok, guys. Do you need anything else, or can I go to my next appointment?"

I thank God that not everyone has had the same experience we had - but for me, it confirmed that I wished I had a midwife; someone who didn't treat the pregnancy and miscarriage like it was an insignificant medical problem that needed only to be fixed with a procedure and a couple days on your back. A little compassion goes a long way.

3. The pain (physical).

I did not expect the physical pain. In fact, I had no idea what to expect. This goes back to my brief visit with my winner of a doctor, who told me as she walked out the door, "If you have any questions, email me." She did tell me that I had three options to proceed: Let it happen naturally, take a pill that could work but may make me throw up and send me to the ER, and the D&C. I opted to go the natural, at-home route. She mentioned NOTHING about what to expect when I went home - no time frame, no phone calls over the next 4 days (or after that, mind you), nothing. I felt so alone. I thank God that I had friends who coached me through the natural process and told me what signs to look out for. My doctor was the last person I wanted to email when I started bleeding profusely and was scared out of my mind. The worst of it came a couple days after the process started and I actually started to pass the baby - the hours of cramping and burning muscle pain in my lower back, abdomen and hips was unbearable, and pain killers didn't work. I didn't know about this. Excuse me while I email my doctor and wait for her to respond within 36 hours.

4. The pain (emotional).

For some women, this never goes away. I haven't even been able to scratch the surface. Feeling: NUMB. 

Again, every woman is different. Allow yourself to go 'there.' For me, this included wandering the aisles of my favorite store by myself and allowing myself to cry over "baby's first ornaments" and mini christmas stockings. It's a loss, and it's real. It's important to face this and come to an acceptance of your new normal. But don't force it. 

Also, talk to someone who is a good listener, not a fixer. And you are not obligated to speak to or answer everyone who contacts you. When I first lost the baby, some friends wanted to come and be with me. I had to politely tell many of them that I didn't want their very small children running around my unchildproofed teensy apartment while we attempted to have a brief conversation, resulting in their child(ren) killing themselves/breaking all of my antique glassware just because I didn't feel like completely reorganizing my apartment for said visit. Thankfully, this didn't last very long. 

I was shocked that some things went back to normal rather quickly, while other things took time. Going back to work proved to be a good way for me to get connected to the world again. At the same time, grief is a surprising bitch. A few weeks after I miscarried, I went shopping for a gift for a friend. I was sorting through some pre-stamped encouraging notes for the gift, such as, "You are kind," or, "You are beautiful," when I came across one that said,"You will be the best mother." My heart broke. I lost it. Just like that, I was laid out on my couch for the rest of the night. 

5. The world moves on.

When people hear of your loss, they express their grief one minute, and then the next update their facebook status with ,"OMG I HATE THE WRITERS OF THE WALKING DEAD! I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY KILLED OFF SO-AND-SO!" 

People move on, and it hurts. This is normal. Just last week, I was in church when, just like a good Orthodox church does, prayers were offered up, first for those who are with-child, and then for those who are suffering. The part that hurt was that it was the first week that my husband and I weren't included in the prayers for the suffering since we miscarried. It had been almost 3 months since we received the news, so I guess it had been long enough for us to be OK. We should be over it by now, right? It shocked me and again, sent me to the couch for two days. 

It's true what they say; the world does not revolve around you. While we know this, it's still painful. We want people to feel it with us, but it's not their loss. There will be those people who will be there with you to help you through it. Just remember, your world will move on too... probably not fully (again, every woman grieves and processes it differently), but at least enough. There is no guilt in this. I personally believe that I will hold my lil babe someday. That's my story. Everyone is different. Embrace the season you're in and don't force yourself out of it, or allow anyone else to, either. People can be uncomfortable around the pain of another - screw them. Just remember to take care of yourself.

6. Your body is a badass.

Our bodies work HARD. 

If there's one thing I've learned through this process, the body of a woman is an amazing thing. I love my husband, but he had one small role in the process of making a baby (though it's admittedly a very important one). The women have to carry the baby. Morning sickness was a trip. I didn't know it were possible for me to not like onions. I had a teensy appetite, also very unlike me. Birthing a child, though I have no personal experience in this, is an incredible process where the body releases hormones and fluids at just the right time to do just the right things for you and baby. Even the miscarriage is a wonder - my body was able to fully do it's job in a natural way. It expelled everything it needed to in order to heal the body and prevent infection. let's face it: women are badasses.

Disclaimer: If you feel I have mentioned an interaction with you personally, please do not take offense. Before I miscarried, I never thought of what it'd be like, and I most certainly didn't know what to say to a woman going through it. I believe my experiences may help others, which is my only reason for posting this. 

Also, please be kind in your responses. If you're not, I will whoop you.

That's all I have. I hope my experiences have helped you. Thanks for reading, and know you are not alone.