Ponderings: The meaning of life.

I had a long overdue date with my dearest friend tonight. I needed someone whom I could talk to, bitch with, cry on (if needed), and she is, and always will be, that one. She understands me, knows what I'm about to say, and loves me despite my ugly crying tendencies. I wish everyone had a copy of my friend/sister. I'm sorry, she's sort of rare and precious and I won't share her. 

We talked about what my little family is going through, namely the loss of my husband's father. After a while, our conversation evolved in the usual fashion to other topics, landing on the meaning of life in a round-about way. We talked about how it seems like most of our time and energy is spent surviving. I survived through my last year of school, and told myself that life would be very different when I graduated; I would have TIME! Now, my husband and I get home at the end of our long work days and have barely enough energy to make an uneventful meal and watch a brain dead TV show. It's sad. I had so many aspirations for this summer. We should have gone camping. We should have made more dates with other couples. I should have cooked more, learned to sew, done more creative things - but we/I didn't. Instead, I worked my ass off during the day and sat on my rump at night. OK, we did do some stuff... but really, at the end of the day, I SHOULD have done more. 

That word, SHOULD, is a terrible word. My conversation with my friend was papered with 'shoulds.' When it came down to it, we sensed our lives were incomplete because we felt like we had fallen short of the mark that our culture has set. We may not realize it, but there is an ideal. We see it in blogs - women who are mothers/seamstresses/amazing chefs/hot-as-hell wives/budgeting queens/world travelers/powerful/writers... the list goes on. We see it on Pinterest in our 400 boards covered with recipes we will never try and projects we will never attempt. We see it in our surface relationships with the women in our churches, work environments, and classes - at face value, they look like they have it all together. In reality, they feel just as empty as the next woman. When one realizes that they feel equally as inadequate, a "holy sh$#" moment occurs. We all feel like we fall short. It's so sad.

I'm sorry, but I don't really have anything encouraging to end this post on. I am a Christian, so I do believe there is more to life than just living and getting hobbies, but I don't have a Christian-ese solution to this problem. However, I will say what my friend and I landed on as possible movement toward purpose: Intentionality. If one lives one's life with intention, one is bound to get SOMEWHERE, do SOMETHING, love SOMEONE. I believe that every decision affects the next - I chose to respond to an invitation by my (now) husband that resulted to us marrying 3 years later. I became friends with someone who happened to work as a caregiver for developmentally disabled adults, and whose company was hiring. At age 24, I decided I'd try my hand at college one last time by taking an English class, which resulted in my graduation 4 years later. Every decision affects the next. Imagine what we could accomplish if we realized that power, and intentionally made risky decisions regularly. Right now, my intentional actions are tiny ones that I can handle, not lofty ones that I will fail miserably at and then throw in the towel over. My goal is to explore my town on my bicycle with my honey. I want to take advantage of the fading light hours and see my city. In order to do this, I must get off my ass, pump up my tires, and go. So far, so good. Each day, I will go a little farther. 

Be intentional. Give the 'shoulds' the shaft. You are beautiful.

Ponderings: Loss.

I'm an ugly crier - some people can't handle it... you figure that out pretty quickly when you're an ugly crier. My husband is one of those who can. He found out pretty early in our relationship that he liked my kind of ugly, and he has never looked back. That's good, because I ugly cry ON THE REGULAR.

I have experienced many losses in my life. When they have happened directly to me, I have been able to process them somewhat rationally. When loss comes knocking at the door of the person I love the most in the world, the kind of loss that does not leave an explanation, a note, or resolve, one can feel the greatest loss ever thought possible. To see the sweetest, kindest, smartest man in the world lose the one man he only wanted to know more, and who rejected him for reasons unknown... to not be able to change his pain or offer comfort that can fully satiate the hole left... There are no real words for this kind of loss. This is when one gets a glimpse into gift of marriage, why we really need each other. It's not about having the nice house with the 2.5 kids and perfect dog, the gas-guzzling luxury SUV, the regular European vacations, or how much you can build into your retirement fund. It's about supporting each other. It's about being strong when the other is weak. It's about being able to be raw with someone. 

Ponderings: Two years in the making.

Life is beautiful. I am a wife to the best friend and match I could imagine, I got my degree, I have cooked and baked my way through a couple of blogs and cookbooks, and seem to be able to find ample time to enjoy life.

Those last two are lies.

Life is crazy - It seems to be continuously full of loss, gain, successes, failures, new beginnings, stale crackers... But it seems to get better with time, or at least we are growing.

The best thing about my life now is my husband. Marriage is different than I ever imagined it being; it's better. I thank the Lord daily that I didn't get married when I begged Him to. He spared me and saved me for this man whom I respect more than anyone and laugh with on the regular. I have endured death with him, loss of hope, persecution, abandonment, etc... and through it all, he has demonstrated Christ to me. He has my back, and I have his. The funny thing? We've enjoyed every minute together in the flames, because we've had each other. I can only hope others can have this. It's amazing.

Here he is, the LOML, Mr. Thompson. 

It's been the best year of my life. 

Can't wait for the next 100.