I have finally thrown my hands in the air and have given up the notion that life will give me a moment to catch up, a break to breathe, to heal, to process... That was when I realized that this life is not "It's a Small World..." It's more of a Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
Actually, no. That ride wasn't scary at all. In fact, it's kind of dumb. Disney should really take that one down. But the name is fitting for my point.
Life is hard. We started this whole whirlwind of a storm 7 months ago by the unexpected death of my father in-law, a man I had never met, and the only man my husband wanted love from but never was able to get it. Shortly after, we lost our baby to miscarriage. Within a few days, my mom went into the hospital for a heart condition. My job has been hanging by a thread for many months now. Most recently, I lost my grandmother and my aunt within a month of each other. These women were so important. They were both light houses to me; they believed in me, loved me, had pieces of who I wanted to become, and they're gone. I don't know how to let them go.
Yesterday, my husband got his first job offer, and it was a good one. He has worked so incredibly hard, and the offer exceeded his expectations. To see his face light up when he learned of the opportunity... I have never felt more proud of him. The job is in Houston, Texas. That's quite the ways from Sacramento. We know no one there, and we must leave our families behind to pursue this opportunity. There's no question as to what we should do, it's just hard. It will be for the best, but it's saddening. I have built some of the closest friendships here in Sacramento, I have the most incredible community... and my mom. Did I mention my mom? I have to leave her. When we start a family, will she be nearby to know my children? Sure, we will visit and so will she, but how often? It's a different story when kids aren't in the picture, and they aren't yet... but we want them to be soon. Should we wait 3 more years? Or should we trust that God will give us those connections we desire and need in Texas? Has He ever let us go? He has ALWAYS provided for us. He has ALWAYS taken care of us. He is a good Father, and He cares so deeply for His children. This is my God, and He is real, through the pain.
There are some in my life who feel it is their job to judge others, who are afraid of being weak in the presence of another for fear of judgement, but I am not afraid to be honest about this... I am weak. I do not want to leave my home town and all those that I love dearly. At the same time, I yearn for adventure and feel this opportunity calling our names. It is possible to feel both things at once, and it is OK to be sad over loss, to call it what it is. This new season, while it is a beautiful one full of prosperity and new life, it is also a loss of something big, a dream of my heart. That is real. I don't expect everyone to understand that, and some won't. Whatev. I'm learning that life, with all of its craziness, will bring on occasion those rare friendships with beautiful people who get "it" and you, and they make life so much more worth living. When you find them, cling to them like to a treasure, and never let them go. I know I won't. Wherever I go, I'll take you with me in my heart. I love you all.
Giddyup.
