This month, we as a human race unite and remember our babies that we never held, never met, or who didn't stay long enough. It doesn't matter what religion or ethnicity you are from; the phenomenon of miscarriage and child loss plays no favorites. As a family, we try to always remember our Alexander and Theophana without need for an occasion, but now is the time when we share our stories of grief with others in the effort to know we are not alone, to break the stigma of silence, and to give hope to others.
I have a friend who has had SEVERAL miscarriages, and many failed adoption attempts. It has been many years of sorrow for her and her husband. Just a month ago, she gave birth to her beautiful and perfect son. Oh the tears that flowed from seeing the joy and knowing in her eyes. She knows what it's like to feel the bitter loss, which makes the joy so much sweeter. There is so much benefit from being able to know loss! I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I tell you, true understanding of what someone is going through is hard to gain unless you've been through it. It's a gift.
So, that being said, we take a moment to remember the little ones who were dearly wanted but are not with us. We love you, you are a part of us, and we will always remember you.
Friday, October 9, 2015
Ponderings: On being 5 months pregnant.
I awoke this morning at the usual time and grabbed my phone out of habit as I waited for my husband's alarm to go off. First stop, FaceBook. Almost immediately, I came across a satirical article entitled, "The Two-Step Trick to Getting an Amazing Post-Baby Body." The author (whom I spent many minutes getting well acquainted with afterwards) wrote against the absurd notion that brand-spanking new mothers should reject their figures and do anything in their power to get back their bikini bods. I enjoyed her anecdotes and her real nature, partly because for many of us, the body issues don't begin post-birth. Pregnancy has had its arrays of issues for me already, and I'm only half-way through.
First off, my body doesn't produce the proper amount of progesterone to sustain a healthy pregnancy for both mom and baby. So naturally, I have to supplement. The result? Less anxiety than I've ever had in my life. That's a win. What's next? The hives. I started developing hives all over my body that felt like a million fire ants were biting me everywhere at the same time. The solution - Zyrtec once daily. Takes the itching away, but if I don't take it, the ants come back with a vengeance. Finally - Pityriasis Rosea. This non-contagious virus has been the most fun for me. While it does come with it's itchiness, the Zyrtec seems to manage that. The icing on the cake is the barrage of red rashes that cover my chest, stomach, neck, and (this one's new) arms. SEXY. AAAAAAAND there's nothing I can do to make it go away sooner; it must run its course. I'm two months in now, hopefully only one more to go. My newly engaged girlfriend told me sarcastically that I'm the poster woman for pregnancy. SORRY BOUT IT.
I tell you about these things not to complain, but simply because they do not matter - not at all. My belly is getting bigger, my baby boy is developing perfectly, I have a wonderful husband, and I'm content. I know that there's still another 4-5 months to come, but I couldn't be happier. I'm 30, I have been through the loss of two babies due to miscarriage, and my body is going through a lot, but BY GOLLY, it is a badass. It is fighting the good fight, it is expanding and changing, and it knows just what to do and when to do it. I'm amazed by women everywhere who have done this many times... I can't help but marvel at how creation takes place, and how we get to be a part of it. I'm lucky. I'm blessed. I can't wait to meet my son.
Friday, June 12, 2015
Ponderings: On media-shaming and "tact."
WOW - A friend that I adore recently posted this article, and I couldn't (respectfully) disagree more.
"I’m all for honesty and being as real as possible, but there is such a thing as being too real. We exist in a time where over-sharing is not just the norm, but is often expected, defended, and celebrated."
Yes, "over-sharing" can be too real for many, but I believe that is because over-sharing is relative. She goes into further detail of what she defines as oversharing.
"...poking into somebody else's business and asking invasive questions makes you look like a tackless asshome... That's the funny thing about necessity: When you're actually needed, people tend to tell you. The worst is when a lack of tact is disguised under a veil of concern. Oh, I'm just asking all these nosy-ass questions because I'm concerned. If you really cared, you would take a step back, think outside of yourself for a moment and consider whether or not you're actually being helpful. Will extracting this information help you make this person's life easier, or are you just being nosy? Are you expressing condolences for an incident that wasn't even directly relayed to you because you're truly concerned or because you want to look like a nice person? Is this a story that is truly the concern of many or is that just what you happen to believe?"
Is that why people in this day and age "poke into someone's business" whom they care about and whom they see is in pain or distress, to exploit them, or is it to help them? Could it be that you are responding this way in order to protect yourself due to past relational hurts (let's be honest... women can be petty)? And what if the person you care about is known for suffering in silence? Will that person actually tell you if they need help? Where is the line, and when do you cross it? If someone is doing something simply because they want to "look like a nice person," sure, that is prideful and gross, but who is the judge of that, the author of this article? Sounds like a bitter Betty to me. Not who I want to be.
Oh yeah, this part is my favorite:
"On a more relatable level, we’ve all seen Facebook posts or tweets that we wish we hadn’t. Couples who detail every step of a pregnancy despite the fact that if something were to go wrong, those posts would be devastating and incredibly uncomfortable."
Of course it's uncomfortable. That's REAL life, not the picture-perfect Facebook/Instagram life. There is so much shame associated with sharing pregnancies early to the point that so many women live in fear during the early stages, making sure to hide both their anxiety and joy from people out of worry that they will have to share the news of a miscarriage as well. What if they do miscarry? Then they grieve in silence, just as they carried their baby joyfully, again, in silence. SHAME. You are not allowed to share your joy, because, god forbid, you will actually have someone to grieve with if you experience sorrow. Especially if you care any bit for women's rights or female shaming, this movement should anger you. If you care for another, you should care if they are happy or if they are grieving. But if it makes you uncomfortable to see someone in pain or in joy over a pregnancy at any stage, chances are you've got your own inexperience/shaming to deal with. Also, the lack of sharing on such topics is what instills fear into pregnant women in the first place - they don't see miscarriage, and therefore do not know how common it is, and when it comes knocking at their door, they feel sense of shame and a wide range of emotions associated with a shameful loss. Speaking out on this topic helps to break that stigma and raise awareness of both the commonality of miscarriage and the reality behind why they may occur.
A word to the "tact-ful:" If you do not want to see it, then un-friend, un-follow, un-care. If you do not have the conviction to share these "over-sharing" topics, then don't, but here's the key - don't judge those who do. That in and of itself is tactless and shameful.
"I’m all for honesty and being as real as possible, but there is such a thing as being too real. We exist in a time where over-sharing is not just the norm, but is often expected, defended, and celebrated."
Yes, "over-sharing" can be too real for many, but I believe that is because over-sharing is relative. She goes into further detail of what she defines as oversharing.
"...poking into somebody else's business and asking invasive questions makes you look like a tackless asshome... That's the funny thing about necessity: When you're actually needed, people tend to tell you. The worst is when a lack of tact is disguised under a veil of concern. Oh, I'm just asking all these nosy-ass questions because I'm concerned. If you really cared, you would take a step back, think outside of yourself for a moment and consider whether or not you're actually being helpful. Will extracting this information help you make this person's life easier, or are you just being nosy? Are you expressing condolences for an incident that wasn't even directly relayed to you because you're truly concerned or because you want to look like a nice person? Is this a story that is truly the concern of many or is that just what you happen to believe?"
Is that why people in this day and age "poke into someone's business" whom they care about and whom they see is in pain or distress, to exploit them, or is it to help them? Could it be that you are responding this way in order to protect yourself due to past relational hurts (let's be honest... women can be petty)? And what if the person you care about is known for suffering in silence? Will that person actually tell you if they need help? Where is the line, and when do you cross it? If someone is doing something simply because they want to "look like a nice person," sure, that is prideful and gross, but who is the judge of that, the author of this article? Sounds like a bitter Betty to me. Not who I want to be.
Oh yeah, this part is my favorite:
"On a more relatable level, we’ve all seen Facebook posts or tweets that we wish we hadn’t. Couples who detail every step of a pregnancy despite the fact that if something were to go wrong, those posts would be devastating and incredibly uncomfortable."
Of course it's uncomfortable. That's REAL life, not the picture-perfect Facebook/Instagram life. There is so much shame associated with sharing pregnancies early to the point that so many women live in fear during the early stages, making sure to hide both their anxiety and joy from people out of worry that they will have to share the news of a miscarriage as well. What if they do miscarry? Then they grieve in silence, just as they carried their baby joyfully, again, in silence. SHAME. You are not allowed to share your joy, because, god forbid, you will actually have someone to grieve with if you experience sorrow. Especially if you care any bit for women's rights or female shaming, this movement should anger you. If you care for another, you should care if they are happy or if they are grieving. But if it makes you uncomfortable to see someone in pain or in joy over a pregnancy at any stage, chances are you've got your own inexperience/shaming to deal with. Also, the lack of sharing on such topics is what instills fear into pregnant women in the first place - they don't see miscarriage, and therefore do not know how common it is, and when it comes knocking at their door, they feel sense of shame and a wide range of emotions associated with a shameful loss. Speaking out on this topic helps to break that stigma and raise awareness of both the commonality of miscarriage and the reality behind why they may occur.
A word to the "tact-ful:" If you do not want to see it, then un-friend, un-follow, un-care. If you do not have the conviction to share these "over-sharing" topics, then don't, but here's the key - don't judge those who do. That in and of itself is tactless and shameful.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Ponderings: The Craziness of life.
I cannot believe the load of responsibility that each of us carry - it's insane. I was pondering this yesterday, and got overwhelmed with deconstructing my daily responsibilities, and was no longer at a loss as to why I was overloaded.
My 1st business:
- Teach a class
- Follow up with each attendee
- Seek out new contacts
- Schedule future classes
- Order stuff
- Deliver samples
- Follow up with samples
- Get an answering machine every time
- Watch training videos
- Read training blogs
- Order more stuff
- Train business partners
- Instagram
- Blog
- Team emails
My 2nd business:
- Make new items
- Fill existing orders
- Order stuff
- Keep postings current
- Business meetings
- Plan ahead for holidays
My 3rd job:
- Make myself presentable
- Don't fall asleep
- Pick up kids
- Entertain said kids
- Feed them ice-cream
- Don't fall asleep
My 4th job:
- Wash dishes
- Laundry
- Sweep
- Vacuum
- Put clothes away
- Iron
- Clean counters
- Maintain bathrooms
- Cook dinner
- Grocery shop
- Meal plan
- Make meals
- Get new car insurance
- Get new registration
- Get a Texas EZ Tag
- register car
- sell car
- car shopping
- find new doctor
- fix budget
- distribute budget
- deal with asshole drivers
My 5th job:
- Maintain friendships
- Try to remember to communicate with husband
- Try to remember to reach out to people
- Feed dog
- Walk dog
- Kiss dog
And I wonder why I wake up tired, and come home at the end of the day with the desire to watch netflix. I'm tired. I don't even have kids... How do people do it? It's a mystery to me.
What's the solution? How do people do it? Even as I write this, I am too tired to edit this post. I love my life, but it feels like I can't seem to keep up with it, and it seems like life falls through the cracks more often than not. What do you do?
My 1st business:
- Teach a class
- Follow up with each attendee
- Seek out new contacts
- Schedule future classes
- Order stuff
- Deliver samples
- Follow up with samples
- Get an answering machine every time
- Watch training videos
- Read training blogs
- Order more stuff
- Train business partners
- Blog
- Team emails
My 2nd business:
- Make new items
- Fill existing orders
- Order stuff
- Keep postings current
- Business meetings
- Plan ahead for holidays
My 3rd job:
- Make myself presentable
- Don't fall asleep
- Pick up kids
- Entertain said kids
- Feed them ice-cream
- Don't fall asleep
My 4th job:
- Wash dishes
- Laundry
- Sweep
- Vacuum
- Put clothes away
- Iron
- Clean counters
- Maintain bathrooms
- Cook dinner
- Grocery shop
- Meal plan
- Make meals
- Get new car insurance
- Get new registration
- Get a Texas EZ Tag
- register car
- sell car
- car shopping
- find new doctor
- fix budget
- distribute budget
- deal with asshole drivers
My 5th job:
- Maintain friendships
- Try to remember to communicate with husband
- Try to remember to reach out to people
- Feed dog
- Walk dog
- Kiss dog
And I wonder why I wake up tired, and come home at the end of the day with the desire to watch netflix. I'm tired. I don't even have kids... How do people do it? It's a mystery to me.
What's the solution? How do people do it? Even as I write this, I am too tired to edit this post. I love my life, but it feels like I can't seem to keep up with it, and it seems like life falls through the cracks more often than not. What do you do?
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Ponderings: A week ago, I was a mother; miscarriage, take two.
Her name was Theophana, and she had a fierce heart. I loved watching her entire body shaking due to the power and force of her heart pumping. Those ultrasounds were the greatest gift, and they gave me happy (joyful, relieving, euphoric) tears. She was 7 1/2 weeks old, and already she had her mother's spirit.
The morning I started spotting was the last time I'd see that heartbeat. It was February 25th, and I was in denial... the last time I miscarried, the process began almost two weeks after the baby passed. Surely this time the baby was going to be ok. After all, there she was. Maybe it was cervical bleeding, they said. Bed rest would make it stop on it's own. Then, hours after seeing her alive, she left us (our hearts believe it was a girl), and there was nothing that could be done. So shocking, so sudden.
I never planned on becoming an expert in Miscarriage. In some ways, it was "easier" the second time around - we knew what to expect, the process was faster, we had a team of supportive Christian doctors by our side. And in other ways, more difficult - we knew what to expect, the process was faster, we heard a heartbeat. After the loss, less flowers were sent this time, less cards, less phone calls, less help. I couldn't share. I blocked people out. I literally was hundreds of miles away from loved ones. I felt a weird sense of shame. It's not rational, just comfortable.
Why does the world not recognize a baby younger than 5 months as a life? What magically occurs at 20 weeks that wasn't there at 19? at 7? This logic isn't logical, and I will never understand it. I saw the heartbeat, I felt her cravings, I experienced HER. It was real, she was real, she IS real.
We are OK. God is good. I believe the Lord led us to adopt a pup and name him Benedict (which means Blessed), and Benny has been an absolute joy and comfort to us during this time. I also know that these circumstances are not a surprise to God; He knows our days and He knows our sufferings. He uses these trials to produce perseverance, which in turn gives us hope. I choose not to give up that hope. I know that when I call on my God, He answers me.
We chose St. Theophan the recluse as her saint, and we believe his prayers are hers as well. Theophana means "manifestation of God," and that is exactly what she is.
"God abandons no one. For Him all are children. None are stepchildren. And the hard occasions and situations – all is sent for our benefit."
Saint Theophan, pray to God for and with us.
The morning I started spotting was the last time I'd see that heartbeat. It was February 25th, and I was in denial... the last time I miscarried, the process began almost two weeks after the baby passed. Surely this time the baby was going to be ok. After all, there she was. Maybe it was cervical bleeding, they said. Bed rest would make it stop on it's own. Then, hours after seeing her alive, she left us (our hearts believe it was a girl), and there was nothing that could be done. So shocking, so sudden.
I never planned on becoming an expert in Miscarriage. In some ways, it was "easier" the second time around - we knew what to expect, the process was faster, we had a team of supportive Christian doctors by our side. And in other ways, more difficult - we knew what to expect, the process was faster, we heard a heartbeat. After the loss, less flowers were sent this time, less cards, less phone calls, less help. I couldn't share. I blocked people out. I literally was hundreds of miles away from loved ones. I felt a weird sense of shame. It's not rational, just comfortable.
Why does the world not recognize a baby younger than 5 months as a life? What magically occurs at 20 weeks that wasn't there at 19? at 7? This logic isn't logical, and I will never understand it. I saw the heartbeat, I felt her cravings, I experienced HER. It was real, she was real, she IS real.
We are OK. God is good. I believe the Lord led us to adopt a pup and name him Benedict (which means Blessed), and Benny has been an absolute joy and comfort to us during this time. I also know that these circumstances are not a surprise to God; He knows our days and He knows our sufferings. He uses these trials to produce perseverance, which in turn gives us hope. I choose not to give up that hope. I know that when I call on my God, He answers me.
We chose St. Theophan the recluse as her saint, and we believe his prayers are hers as well. Theophana means "manifestation of God," and that is exactly what she is.
"God abandons no one. For Him all are children. None are stepchildren. And the hard occasions and situations – all is sent for our benefit."
Saint Theophan, pray to God for and with us.
Side note - the title states "a week ago, I was a mother." I do believe that I AM a mother of two babies, and that those muffin-cakes are with Jesus. That is my personal belief.
If you have suffered from a miscarriage, you are not alone. Please know that there are others like you - it occurs more often than you'd think because NOBODY TALKS ABOUT IT. You are not defective, you didn't do anything wrong, often it just occurs randomly. Check out my post about my first miscarriage HERE. Please comment below if you have a story you'd like to share. Our ears are open to you. xoxo
-Dina
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