When I was younger and was in the non-denominational stream of Christianity, I was a part of the House of Prayer movement, in which 24-hour-a-day, 7-day-a-week prayer and worship took place. I led worship teams that sang scriptures and then sang spontaneous songs that explored the scriptures. I LOVED THIS. In my opinion, there's no better way to have the word of God pierce your heart than to sing the scriptures and to put them into beautiful poetry. I left my old church and began to seek the church of the disciples (there is so much to tell; I will have to make a separate post for my conversion story). This week is holy week, and though this will be my 4th Paschal season, this is the first time I have sung through the services with the choir. That being said, Great and Holy Thursday was a completely new experience for me. As the reader chanted through 12 gospel stories compiled from the 4 gospels spanning the last teachings of Christ through the crucifixion, the choir sang through many of the verses that stuck out from the readings...
(Troparion of Holy Thursday)
When Thy glorious disciples were enlightened at the washing of their feet before the supper, then the impious Judas was darkened by the disease of avarice, and to the lawless judges he betrayed Thee, the Righteous Judge. Behold, O lover of money, this man because of avarice hanged himself. Flee from the insatiable desire which dared such things against the Master! O Lord who deals righteously with all, glory to Thee.
Because of the raising of Lazarus,
O Lord Who lovest mankind,
The Hebrew children cried "Hosanna" to Thee,
But Judas the Transgressor was unwilling to understand.
At Thy supper, O Christ God,
Thou didst announce to Thy disciples,
"One of you will betray me."
But Judas the Transgressor was unwilling to understand.
At the washing of their feet, O Christ God,
Thou didst command Thy disciples:
"Do as you have seen me do."
But Judas the Transgressor was unwilling to understand.
"Keep watch and pray,
Lest you be tempted,"
Thou didst say to Thy disciples, O our God,
But Judas the Transgressor was unwilling to understand.
What caused you to betray the Savior, O Judas?
Did He expel you from the ranks of the Apostles?
Did He take from you the gift of healing?
Did He send you from the table while taking supper with the others?
Did He wash their feet and pass you by?
How have you forgotten such good things?
Your ingratitude is notorious,
But His boundless long-suffering and great mercy are proclaimed to all.
These words wounded my heart. I think you can posses true love for Christ when you can put yourself in His shoes and try to imagine how it would feel to be the sinless creator of the universe, and be betrayed by one of those closest to you when you had done nothing but love and serve him. I couldn't imagine the pain. AND YET - we have all been Judas at times. We have all been as weak as the strongest disciples when they were asked to stand watch and pray with Christ, only to fall asleep before the first hour was up, leaving him alone in his pain. I am guilty of this. Thankfully Christ rose from the dead and redeemed every single disciple (minus Judas, of course) and restored them to Himself. Thank God he does that for all of us. I have been having too many personal struggles as of late, and have used that as an excuse to not participate in lent as much as I could have. When I stumbled into the service last night after a long day teaching young children in a poverty-stricken area of town, I soaked up every word that was sung and longed for more... I longed for lent, and it had slipped through my fingers. I remembered in that moment that Pascha is experienced, that it is the journey, and I had missed out on the season due to succumbing to my weakness. I could have condemned myself for that, but I would have been missing the point, I think. I was instead grateful that I had made it to church and got to be face-to-face with the suffering servant, Jesus Christ. It was a gift to experience that service through singing it, and it effected my spirit like nothing else has.
One last thing that stuck out to me from the service were the various hymns to the Theotokos (Mary, the mother of Jesus).
“Where goest Thou, my child? Why dost Thou run so swift a course? Surely there is not another wedding in Cana to which Thou now dost hasten to change water into wine? Shall I come with Thou, my child, or shall I wait for Thee? Give me a word, O Thou who art the Word. Do not pass me by in silence, O Thou who didst keep me pure, for Thou art my Son and my God.
This agony of a mother watching her child die and being helpless to stop it is something I could identify with, though my loss is nothing in comparison (to read about my child loss, click HERE). I tried to put myself in her shoes... A pure woman, who conceived without seed, and who was given the task to raise the Savior of the world, watched her Son be struck down without cause. As I sang through the hymns to the grieving Theotokos, my heart became knitted together with hers a bit more. I am blessed that she is my Matron saint... She is an example of how to respond in the midst of the terrible, unfathomable loss of a child.
If you want to experience Easter in a new way, find a local Orthodox church. We will be at our church from 11:30 pm on Saturday until 3:00 am Sunday (every church has a different schedule), culminating Pascha with a big family meal (hopefully consisting of bacon, steak, cheese, and other delicious, carnivorous foods). There is nothing like Pascha, the culmination of the journey of Christ to the cross, through hell, and being raised from the dead, bringing hope for all people with Him.
May God richly bless you and your family.
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